Out of Order
by Kaizer Xi
Summary: From the creator of Among the Shards comes this pretty little story! Johnny is back from his leave to become cold. He has failed miserably, but has managed to regain some sanity. IT'S FINALLY OVER PEOPLE! (AN in reviews.)
1. What about that college dorm?

Hello, little organisms! It's me, Xi. The crazy bastard who killed Lard Nar and all those little aliens you love!

Dodges tomato

Anyway, I've a new story for you which might be as long as the first! Yay! Now for the boring stuff. I own none of the characters in this story but the few which I shall add for plot. Other than that, Jhonen theoretically owns this. Let's call this a prologue, Kay? Okay. We begin!

Chapter 1: In control of a partially fixed machine.

The car putted down the road, turbid with rust and blood, though the two were so alike in hue, that it was hard to tell. Johnny C. was in this car, a calm look on his face. In his left hand was a cherry Brainfreezy, and in the other was the steering wheel. In his back seat were numerous things; a few large boxes wrapped in shiny black with red and white bows, an unwrapped box the size of a small door, and a smaller box wrapped in white with a blue bow, about the size of a deck of cards. He pulled into his driveway, which he almost didn't recognize at first glance. The grass was thick and almost black. The windows were gray with dust. On his roof was a murder of crows, all staring at the young man. He stared back. Needless to say, they were gone in an instant. He stepped out of the car, carrying the unwieldy load of gifts. After fumbling with the keys, he managed to open the door, setting the packages on the table. Reverend MEAT smiled, his blank eyes shining in the dusty light of the forgotten shack.

"Johnny my boy, you've come back! I'd assumed you were dead, but none the less, I'm happy to see you!", He smiled deceivingly. Johnny knew, though, that there was evil behind those blank, white eyes. Pure evil.

"Yes, MEAT, I've returned. And I have a gift for you!", He grinned, grinning a grin more grim that the grimy meat doll had given. He took one of the boxes, and unwrapped it. Inside, he pulled out a yellow box, a stick of dynamite, and a silver cord. He grabbed the Bub's burger toy and looped the box and dynamite around it's waist.

"Wait, Johnny, you can't do this!", Meat flailed, a mere child in Johnny's hands. He said nothing, walking out of the house and placing the toy on the pavement. He walked in and got a detonator, grinning insanely.

"Bye-bye, meaty! SEE YOU IN HELL!", he screamed, pushing the button.

**KABOOM!**

What remained was nothing more than a crater on the ground, the remains of the doll reduced to mere atoms. He smiled, and walked back in. He sniffed the air.

"Ugh…I should have cleaned the basement before I left. It's probably full of corpses by now. Well, later. Now, I've some things to do.", he muttered, grabbing the other black boxes and heading over to his old neighbors' house.

Squee had changed substantially over the last three years. He had stood up to his father one year after Johnny left. His father, who now needed the use of a cane, respected his son and never spoke out of turn. Along with this, he had forced his mother into rehabilitation. Now she actually remembered the fact that she had a son. But apropos to nothing, Squee himself had changed in appearance as well as attitude. His usual wardrobe was of a purple T-shirt over a gray long sleeve. His hair, he had dyed orange, and had black jeans. Along with this, he wore glasses now, which made him look very much like a certain author of a certain comic…But I digress. At the moment, he was talking to Shmee and sketching his beloved bear.

"Could you smile a bit wider, Shmee? Great.", He muttered, his pencil dashing across the paper. Shmee was thoroughly enjoying the attention, as he posed, holding a kitchen knife and feigning a demonic grin. This of course, wasn't very difficult. But I digress, this happiness was interrupted by the person at the window.

"HI, SQUEE!" Johnny screamed, leaping into the room. Squee yelped and fell off the bed, his paper floating through the air. He got up, staring incredulously at the sight before him.

"Johnny…? Is it really you?", He asked simply, staring. Johnny looked at himself.

"I think so…my underwear haven't been wrong yet…" He laughed, making Squee snicker a bit.

"Where'd you go? I thought you'd died!" He exclaimed, catching his drawing. Johnny sighed.

"I can't tell you that today. But I do have something for you.", He said, reaching out the window and grabbing the presents. He placed them in front of Squee gasped. Johnny smiled.

"I know you haven't really had a proper birthday, but since I didn't know when it was, I just guessed."

"Well, you're off by a few…months. But thanks.", He admitted.

"Well, open them!" Johnny encouraged, gesturing to the boxes. Squee took a small one and shook it, hearing the object shake. He ripped the paper off and opened the box, revealing to his delight, a spy glass.

"Hey, this'll be perfect for looking into the girls dorm-uh, I mean thanks.", He said quickly, blushing slightly. He opened the next one, which was a small book entitled 'Art etc. for dummies'. This too, delighted the young teen. The third and forth gift's were a combo gift; the first being a long knife, the second being a blow gun complete with 2-dozen poison darts. To Johnny's surprise, he grinned madly when he found these gifts.

"I am going to have fun with those cheerleader's this week…", he grinned, twirling the knife as if a baton. Johnny was thunderstruck. Innocent little Squeegee?

"You haven't-"

"About 200 so far. Mostly asses who pick on me.", He said calmly. Johnny stepped to the window, trying to fathom this development.

"I, uh, will see you later. I have…something to do.", He said distractedly. He climbed down, desperately trying to comprehend the situation.

'Squee, the little kid I protected, a maniac like me? No, it isn't my fault. It's that damned bear…that stupid, evil thing…' he reasoned, stepping into his car. He had one more stop.

Devi sighed. She was home, painting a new idea that had entered her mind earlier that day. It resembled a bagel eating a large poodle at the moment. She heard the window open in her bathroom. She leapt for her pepper spray once she saw Johnny walk in with his hand behind his back.

"Stay back! I have mace!", She warned. He placed his hands in the air, showing the box and nothing else.

"It's okay, Devi. I'm not armed.", He said, pulling his pockets out. He did however pull a knife from his ankle.

SPRRRTZ!

"AAAHHHHGG! IT BURNS!", Johnny shrieked, falling to the floor and clutching his face. "I WAS GIVING IT TO YOU DEVI!", he explained, rolling on the floor. After recovering, he held it at her, holding it by the blade. She reluctantly took it.

"There. Now you have a weapon and I don't. Happy?" He said, maintaining a safe distance after rolling to the side.. She nodded, holding the knife and mace.

"Why'd you come back?" She demanded, keeping her eyes on him. He looked at her.

"I left to become cold, emotionless, I felt a mere shell of a human being. I wished to flush out the excess humanity in my system. I failed.", He said simply. "I wanted to apologize. You might not except it, but it's the best I could do."

He held out the small box, handing it to Devi. She took it, not knowing what to expect. She pried open the box and gasped, dropping the knife and mace. Inside the box was a golden ring, topped with three different stones; ruby, emerald, and sapphire. She looked at him.

"I-I don't know what to say…"

"Just say you forgive me. I'll never come here again.", He pleaded, a cold look in his face. She looked at the ring, and smiled.

"I'll forgive you, but I want something else."

"What? Name it, it's yours.", He said quickly. She placed her hand on his shoulder.

"I…want you back in my life.", She whispered, kissing Johnny on the cheek. He gasped.

"I should have seen it. I was just to blinded by fear and anger to forgive. I should be asking you to forgive me.", She sighed, embracing the young person. For the first time in Johnny's life, he felt the warm feeling of contentment that so many of us take for granted. He smiled softly, returning the gesture and welcoming the embrace. They kissed once more, and Johnny left, happy at last.

Johnny walked into his little house, smiling and humming a merry tune.

"Why, hello Johnny!"

Johnny turned at the source of the sound, which was near the sink. A man, clad in a white leisure suit, vermilion hair topping his head, was munching on a candy cane. Johnny scowled, his usual pessimism returning like a bad rash.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my house!", He demanded, drawing a knife from the wall. The man smiled.

"I'm from heaven. We see that you have regained almost all your sanity, so we have a surprise.", He explained, drawing a paper from the air. He read:

'By the order of Genesis, third degree, I hereby relinquish your duties as a waste lock, and decree that you are now made honorary angel of death. I also declare that Senor Diablo cannot in any way shape or form, interfere with your life, lest you renounce sanity and are made slave once more. So it is written, so shall it be.'

He finished, the paper rolling up and exploding in the air. He waved his hand and a robe and scythe formed in front of Johnny.

"Here's your materials. I am aware of your skills with bladed weaponry, but this is different. You are to reap the souls of the damned and give passage to those worthy of heaven's grace. Understood?", He asked. Johnny nodded mutely. The boy winked, and began to fade.

"We'll be seeing you…"

Johnny blinked. Then he sighed.

"I hate Mondays…"

A/N: Wasn't that fun? Well, I'll be writing more if some people review. If not, IT SHALL REMAIN UNFINISHED FOREVER MORE! BWAHAHAHA!

…Ahem. Review please.


	2. The plot becomes thicker than it was bef...

Thank you for the review, for one is all I need to create the magic which is corn. Did I say corn? I meant literature. I own nothing but the hatred that I must do homework tomorrow. But now to introduce my little guest star, Jhonen!

Jhonen: 'tied to chair' Um…hi.

Xi: So what do you think of my fiction thus far?

Jhonen: I…uh…think it's a very original use for my characters. Can I have food now?

Xi: Yes. 'stuffs a churro into his mouth'

Jhonen: Sthang gyoo.

Xi: Now we can begin!

Johnny awoke the next day on a fine Tuesday morning. He had slept for the simple reason that his mind was a bit too cluttered, and with no desire to kill (Gasp!) that night, he thought he had best retire to his room. Oddly, though, he had rarely ever gone into his room since the wall and doughboys started talking to him, which seemed an eternity. He stepped out of the dusty room, and feeling peckish, decided to eat something. But alas, he could find nothing but nothing. He stood in his kitchen, bewildered.

"Where in the hell is all the food?", He asked himself, suddenly noticing the bloated roach dragging itself across the floor. He stared. The roach turned at him, realized his predicament, and began scooting faster, desperate to get away. A few seconds later, Mr. Samsa was in Johnny's clutches, being carried to the basement. He whimpered sadly, as if he were a dog. This got a bop on the head by Johnny as he squeezed him tighter.

"How in the hell did you eat that many cans of Skeitos!" he demanded, getting a regretful squeak from the titanic insect. He was thusly thrown into the river of flaming acid which ran through Johnny's petting zoo. He was carried off by the current, wait no. He would have, but the flaming acid liquefied him the instant he met the horrid solution. Johnny growled, as did his stomach.

"The one time I'm hungry, I discover that a gluttonous parasite has eaten all of my food! So this means one of three things:", he began.

"One, SOMEONE UP THERE ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION!" He screamed, pointing to the ceiling.

"Two, someone DOWN THERE JUST FELT LIKE PISSING ME OFF!" He shrieked, pointing to the floor. He sighed.

"Or three, I have to go shopping.", He stated calmly, throwing an empty can down a hole.

(IN HELL!)

The can clunked Senor Diablo on the head, rolling to the side with the other empty Skeito cans. He groaned, looking as Mr. Samsa skittered up the window of his office.

"I knew I should have given him that coat…," he groaned annoyed, going back to his paperwork.

(IN JHONENWORLD!)

Johnny hummed a merry tune as he strolled past the little Chihuahua on the corner and walked into the 24/7. He was about to grab a cart, when he noticed a trio of cheerleaders near the Brainfreezy cups, wielding bladed pom-poms. His eyes widened. Their demonic smiles stretched. The apparent leader pointed at Johnny, giggling demonically.

"ATTACK!" She screeched, jumping at our protagonist while the other two leapt at him with spinning kicks. Johnny waved his arms in the air, dashing out of the store and screaming like the little girl Jhonen wished he was.

"WHY DID I FORGET MY KNIVES? CURSE YOU, VILE SANITY, CURSE YOU!", He yelled, turning down a corner and into an alley. Dead end.

The cheerleaders began to close in on Johnny, holding a sack marked 'Make-up' and a spare uniform. Johnny backed to a wall, fearing the worst.

"Fuck, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, and they're gonna rape my body when I'm dead…", he groaned, recoiling as they leapt at him.

BZZT!

Johnny opened his eyes. He blinked them once to make sure they were working. He had doubts though, for the entire world had gone into black and white. The three cheerleaders were frozen in mid air. Leaning against the wall was the young man from yesterday. He shook his head, smiling.

"Can't have our new angel of death dying, can we?" He mused, the world blinking as they reappeared in Johnny's house. Johnny muttered incoherently, pointing at the man, where the cheerleaders were, and a little garden gnome on the table. The man clapped, a cloak and scythe forming in front of Johnny.

"Well? Put it on!" He urged, tapping his foot. Johnny stared a bit, and after a few minutes, he put the robe on, plucking the scythe from the air. The cloak quickly took shape to his body, fitting quite comfortably.

"Hey! This is better than that coat in hell!", He exclaimed, feeling the soft material. The young man smiled.

"It should, it was made by the same person.", He stated as a matter of fact. He twirled his hand in the air, a scroll of parchment forming. He handed it to Johnny.

"Here are the people whom you are to reap. By the by, my name is Exodus. I'll be your consultant. Anyhow, there's about 50 people on there. We have other agents working around the world, but I don't care about them. I only care about how YOU do."

"And…why?" Johnny asked, looking over the list. Exodus sighed.

"BECAUSE if you don't have a good first day, I have 1 hour of spanking from that freaky dominatrix chick, Mrs. Morningstar.", He muttered, making Johnny blink.

"As in, the devil's…wife?", He queried. Exodus nodded.

"Well, time's a-wasting, my boy! You've got souls to reap!", He exclaimed, vanishing. Johnny soon saw that everything else was vanishing with him.

Devi groaned in a raspy tone. She went into the back room of the apartment and took off her, or should I say his, wig. Devi, the real one, struggled at the bonds, mumbling into the sock that was currently gagging her. The pseudo-Devi, whom we shall not mention the name of, kicked her, making her grunt in pain. The imposter began to wash off his make-up, and looked into the mirror. He began to scrub his mouth with a toothbrush.

"Bleh! That was the most degrading thing I've ever had the displeasure of doing!", He shouted, taking off the woman's clothing he was wearing. Thankfully, he was wearing an all black suit underneath, so his anatomy was not disclosed.

"But it will all be worth it once I get that demented freak back for killing my little brother…," he hissed in that raspy voice.

"Soon, Johnny. Soon."

A/N: A cliffhanger? You bet! And I can say this explains 'Devi's' sudden appreciation for Johnny. Does it not? REVIEW please.

Jhonen: 'Hops away in the chair.'

Xi: WAIT! I MADE MUFFINS!

'British humor chase scene and iris out.'


	3. Look! Baloons!

Another review in one day, well I'll be. For that, you get another chapter. Jhonen escaped, so yeah. Now to the next chapter.

Chapter 3: I like 3 Musketeers…

Johnny blinked, looking around. He was in a hospital. More importantly, he looked at the person he had to kill.

"Pope John Paul the second? Well, I guess he's had a good run. I wonder if they have fizz-wizz in the vending machines…", he mused, looking for his holiness' room. He found it easily, as it was the biggest. He stepped in, seeing that John Paul was watching football.

"Whoo! Go Lakers! Yeah!", he cheered, munching some Senor Spicy brand chips. He looked at Johnny, or should I say Johnny's scythe.

"Are you the angel of death who has come for me?" he said in a pitiable old man voice.

"Um…yes."

"Cannot an old man have one request?"

"Um…no.", Johnny stated, swishing his blade. The old man screamed, and vanished. As did he, appearing in a new local. It was a highway in southern California, and numerous cheerleaders were leaping out of a flaming bus, which read 'Cheer or die'. Johnny grinned as if it were Christmas and Santa had given him a flaming bus of cheerleaders himself.

"DIE, SPAWN OF SENOR DIABLO!" He rushed over, best he could with the robe, and began laughing demonically, slashing cheerleaders left and right. To his joy, every one of them were on the list. About twenty slashes later, he giggled, leaping in blissful contentment. The scenery changed again, a familiar surrounding. But not a happy one. Squee's house. He was relieved, however, that Squee would not be dying today; a young man however would. He walked down into the basement, knowing the way from previous visits, and was half startled and half impressed at the site before him. Squee, with his new knife in hand, was ranting at a boy who was secured in what was no doubtedly home made. It was mostly wooden, with the man positioned eagle position face up. Above him was what seemed to be a massive cheese grater made by normal ones welded together. A unique device indeed. Squee was nearing the end of his rant when Johnny walked over, invisible to both.

"AND I JUST WANTED A CANDY BAR! YOU WOULDN'T LET ME HAVE THE SIMPLE BLISS WHAT IS THE SUGARY GENIUS OF THE 3 MUSKETEERS BAR! YOU WILL PAY FOR MY STOLEN JOY!", he shrieked in a manic rage, pulling a lever. The oversized kitchen implement began to rock swiftly back and forth, like a pendulum on fast forward. It lowered slowly, the man screaming in terror and struggling at the bonds. Before the grater reached him, a horizontal buzz saw started to stretch forward towards his crotch. He looked down and screamed as his…happy place…was quite bluntly, sliced off. He sobbed miserably, but screamed in agony as the novelty like device did its work, grinding him down. Johnny sliced the man, his scythe passing through the machine. He shook his head as the scenery faded. You just don't do that to a man, he thought.

The fake Devi sighed, waiting in Johnny's house with a .44 Magnum in hand. He had the annoying burden of putting on his disguise again, which was embarrassing enough as it was, despite the fact that he, disturbingly, found that he enjoyed wearing women's undergarments. Very icky, yes? But I digress, he stopped his disturbing chain of thoughts when he heard voices coming from the other room.

'AND IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR US BEING NAILED TO THIS WALL, D-BOY! A FEW MORE DAYS AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN REAL, BUT NO! I HAD TO END UP STUCK TO THE BACK ROOM WALL WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY!'

'Or until someone takes us down, Eff.', D-boy said calmly. Eff redoubled his ranting, but stopped when he saw the Devi-esque person staring at them.

"Um, excuse me, but who and what are you two?"

Devi rolled over on the floor, trying to stand up. For her first attempt, she ended up hitting her head on the sink, and receiving a very large bump on the head for her troubles. On the second time, however, she was able to get up. She hopped over to the door, which was gratefully unlocked. After a few minutes of fumbling with the door knob, which was rather difficult to open with her hands bound, it swung open, Tenna holding the other side of the door and looking rather confused.

"Hey, Devi, how come you're all tied up?"

"Mmf muf ffth mm mm!", she mumbled. Tenna, rather quickly, took the sock out of Devi's mouth. She coughed, and began to speak coherently.

"I've been held hostage by this freak who's out to kill Johnny-"

"Your ex?" Tenna asked curiously.

"Yes, the guy who tried to kill me. Anyhow, he's kept me here for the past week, and apparently, Johnny came back and now he's at his house waiting to kill him!" she finished. Tenna squeaked Spooky and put the sock back in Devi's mouth, who then fell over.

"Okay, just wondering!", she smiled, closing the door and walking out.

Devi groaned, closing her eyes and banging her head against the floor.

'Why me?'

Johnny reappeared in his house, the robe and scythe vanishing and his usual attire taking place. He sighed tiredly, but perking his ears up at the sound of two familiar voices.

'Who are you, I'd like to ask!', demanded Eff.

'I'd like to know too, you nosy fucker!', added D-boy.

Just at that moment, Johnny dashed into the room, being greeted by what appeared to be Devi. He took off his wig and raised the gun, smiling.

"This is for Jimmy…", he hissed, and fired. Johnny fell to the floor, blood oozing from his chest wound, a pair of blank eyes gazing to the ceiling from his face.

A/N: Yes! Yet ANOTHER cliffhanger! Review, my puppets! Review! I laugh maniacally! BWAHAHAHAHA!


	4. A new character enters the thing

Johnny sighed as he walked down a familiar road, which was as filthy and decrepit as ever. He walked up to a shining gate, which was occupied not buy the bearded man, but Genesis. He was standing, and had an unpleasant look on his face. His hands were on his backside, probably in an attempt to sooth his reddened behind.

"You had to get killed. YOU HAD TO GET EFFING KILLED! SHE HAS A CANE FOR THOR'S SAKE!"

We leave our homicidal procrastinator to approach a different scene. Timmy Turner, a young man at the age of 16, was strolling down the road holding a DOOM Berry Punch Brainfreezy. As he drank the insanely sugary drink, two butterflies hovered over his head, one green and one pink. It is obvious to most of you that these were Cosmo and Wanda, Timmy's fairy godparents. A bit of description is in order, for Timmy had changed over the years. He was now at a proud height of 6'1, and weighed 152 lbs. His hair was still brown, but a bit longer in the back with red highlights on the front. He wore white cargo pants, which were kept from dragging on the ground by his black sneakers. He wore, instead of his pink shirt, a black one, with the legend 'Eat the mango' above a picture of a chicken sword fighting with a leprechaun. He had long swapped his pink hat for a blue one, and for the ladies reading, he wore red boxers.

But on the subject of unmentionables, Mr. Crocker crawled out of a box on a street, holding a garden gnome and wearing nothing but the remains of his suit. The explanation for this was that on Timmy's 12th birthday, Denzel Crocker was fired from his job at the elementary school, and his mother kicked him out of the house, and his wallet was eaten by rabid platypi. These occurrences, combined with his already eccentric mood, destroyed all but little of his sanity.

"Gimme those fairies, Turner! I know ya got 'em! I'll rule the kumquat! FAIRY GODPARRENTS!" he shrieked, leaping at Timmy with the lawn ornament. Timmy stepped to the side, dodging him easily. He continued on his walk, stepping into the street. At that very moment, however, a gust of wind blew hard, sending the fairy/butterflies into the sky. Timmy yelped at this development, running after them.

"Cosmo, Wanda! Turn into something else!" he yelled over the wind. However, at that very moment, a group of school kids walked into view. Cosmo and Wanda were forced ever farther away. And also, at that moment, a car was heading at Timmy, but he had not the time to notice.

HOONK! CRASH! THUD!

Timmy Turner lay on the ground, his body a tangled mess. Cosmo and Wanda were no where to be seen.

"AND THE TAWSE! DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT!", Genesis screamed, just as Timmy walked onto the scene.

"Um…where am I?", he asked.


	5. Gravy! And lo, the chicken fornicates

I apologize for the wait, but the chapter that was recently put up wasn't the one I wanted to use. That chapter is currently trapped on a virus ridden laptop. Until further notice, the story is on hiatus. Sorry.


	6. The final front! Bow to my wiener!

(Hello, there. I am terribly sorry for the wait, but I must tell you, the original chapter was lost when my laptop was wiped to remove the virus. Anyhow, I own nothing. I warn you, those who are hoping for Johnny to end this story happy and in love with Devi will be greatly disappointed. This is a sad ended fiction, but that's how it goes. I might make an alternate ending, but only if I get seven people who do! AND ONLY THEN WILL NNY BE HAPPY. ¡Vamos!)

Johnny looked at Timmy, his hair blowing in the ethereal winds.

"Um, this is heaven. I'm Johnny, the new grim reaper."

Timmy was thunderstruck. "But…I can't be dead! I have a life back there!" it was true. Vicky had recently been taken to Yugopotamia by Mark Chang, and was now happily married to him, and a mother at that! Such disgusting, little children they have. Along with this, Trixie Tang, the hottest girl in school, had accepted his request to go to the prom with him. Yes, I'm in awe as well. Thankfully, however, at that moment Cosmo and Wanda appeared next to Timmy, wielding threatening, glowing wands. Cosmo was the first to react.

"Stay back! He's not dying yet! YOU GET AWAY, YOU BASTARDS!" and so on and so forth did he go on. Wanda swiftly, and more intelligently I might say, flew over to Timmy. But before she could say anything, Johnny intervened.

"WHOA! Who the hell are you two?" said he, eyes bulging.

Wanda ignored him. "TIMMY! MAKE A WISH!"

"I wish I wasn't dead!" said he, and in a wave and a poof, he and the two were gone. Johnny was very confused.

"Okay…what the fuck was that?"

Exodus was crossing Timmy's name off the 'DEAD FOLKS' list.

"He was one of those kids with fairy godparents. They're given to miserable kids who need help and…"

"WHAT?" screamed Johnny, his eyes blazing with rage and jealousy.

"I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO REMEMBER MY CHILDHOOD, BUT I KNOW I WAS A MISERABLE AS FUCK! MY PARENTS WERE KILLED! THAT WASN'T ENOUGH TO GET SOME SORT OF COMPENSATION?" he was angry now, throwing off his robe and drawing a knife from his boot.

"I'M WILLING TO BET THAT SHIT HAS NEVER SEEN DEATH! HELL, I'M WILLING TO BET HE'S NEVER EVEN TALKED TO HIMSELF! BUT HE GETS A HAPPY LITTLE LIFE ON THAT BALL OF FILTH DOWN THERE," screamed he, pointing violently at the Earth below them. He held the knife threateningly at Exodus.

"AND HE GET'S TO KEEP HIS NORMAL LITTLE EXISTENCE, NOT THINKING THAT EVERYONE ON THE PLANET NEEDS TO BE KILLED! IF ANYONE SHOULD GET FAIRIES OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THOSE THINGS WERE, IT'S ME!"

An alarm blared from nowhere, smoke covering the ground. A tall figure stepped forth, and what a figure he was. He wore a blue, shining robe, draping over his feet, yet he didn't step on it when he walked. He had a long, flowing beard, ivory in color and curled at the end. He wore a crown of bravura and beauty. It was gold and silver, encrusted with rubies and emeralds, a single, black pearl on the top of it. His eyes with silver pupils were green and blazing with magical energy. His face, despite his apparent age, was smooth and unblemished, his ears pointed like an elf's. He held a glossy, graphite colored staff, a simple, long pole which he used to walk. He stopped in front of Johnny, shaking his head and glancing at a short, yet prestigious scroll of paper.

"No need to be profane, young one! You'll get yours, don't you worry." he said, almost in a chiding voice.

"Hm. Ah, yes, you should have gotten a fairy godparent, but someone spilled…" he stopped, scratching some red grease from the scroll and sticking it in his mouth. "Strawberry jam on the scroll of children for that year. I will fix this immediately!"

Before Johnny could even speak, the elder fairy snapped his fingers, forming a large clock in the air before him. He pressed several red buttons, and thus did the clock begin to move backward. The fairy walked rearward, Johnny began his rant in reverse, Timmy appeared and reappeared, Johnny got shot, Exodus being un-spanked by the masochistic wife of the devil, Johnny dying for the first time, Johnny meeting Nail Bunny, His first Cherry Doom, His first kill, Hi Skool, age 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10…

Johnny awoke, a spry and joyful boy of 10. Today was to be picture day at school, and his parents were making their famous Monday Special Flapjacks. He rushed down the stairs, but something was wrong; He smelled no pancakes. No warm syrup, not even butter. He walked into his parents' room.

"Mom, dad, where are the, AHHHHHHH!"

He shrieked at the sight before him. His parents, thrown on the bed like so many used towels, were but bloody heaps of limbs and organs, their heads sticking out of the tops of the pile. Johnny fell backward, his mind unwilling to believe the sight before him.

"It's just a joke, it has to be! It's just a pile of fake…stuff. It just…" he stopped when he touched his mother's severed hand, and many memories flooded his mind. This was the hand that had carried him at birth that had washed him when dirty, that spanked him when insolent, and so many other things. He fell to the ground, sobbing, rocking back and forth.

"THEY'RE GONE! PLEASE, GOD, NO!" he screamed over and over, wishing he could just wake up. But this was no dream. They weren't coming back. He heard a noise behind him, and a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Johnny. I really am."

He turned immediately. The site was strange, that was true. The person who had touched him looked the size of a boy his age, yet his face was that of a man, a young man but a man nonetheless. His hair was a bright cyan, curly and long. He wore a green t-shirt and green jeans, and he held what looked like something the tooth fairy would have.

"Who…who are you?" he sniffled, his heart still aching.

"I'm Ramsey and I'm…" he flew into the air, spinning, orange fireworks sparking from nowhere. "You're fairy godparent!"

Johnny looked disbelievingly. "I have a fairy godparent?"

He nodded. Johnny sat up. "So…I can make wishes?"

He nodded again.

Johnny was thrilled. "Then I wish my parents weren't dead!"

Ramsey waved his wand, which glowed slightly as he did. In a cloud of magic, reading the word (Revive!), his parents were under the blankets, asleep. Johnny smiled, sobbing in relief. Ramsey turned into a tarantula and sat on Johnny's lap.

"I'd better hide."

"Why?"

"If they see me, I have to go away forever, and then they'll be dead again."

Johnny rushed to his room, placing Ramsey in a spare shoebox.

"I'll make sure no one but me ever sees you, k?" he nodded, getting an appreciative crawl from the fairy. Johnny ran into his parents' room as if it were Christmas day.

"MOMMY! DADDY! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up…wake up…wake…"

He awoke yet again. Johnny looked around, a smile on his face for a split second. He saw the house and every ounce of joy and hope was stripped from him. He dropped to his knees and sobbed. "WHY? WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY? I DON'T WANT THE DREAM TO END, PLEASE!"

He lay there, sobbing, his mind and feelings out of order. He is still there, sobbing, wishing to dream that dream again. But it won't come. It is out of order.

END


End file.
